I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
