i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
