My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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