She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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