i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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