Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
