At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
