Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
