I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
