Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
