He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
