Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did