Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.