found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex