she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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