she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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