we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
