im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
