just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
