pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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