I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.