If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!