Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
