Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
