Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
