Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
