I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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