So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
