i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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