I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
