Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
