I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
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Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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