After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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