My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
