I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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