so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
