I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
