Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
