Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
