that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
