you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
