my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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