Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she looked like the before picture.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
