He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I supernannyed him into submission
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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