...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
