Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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