Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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