I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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