just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
