I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
