yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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