I cockslap morals
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
