I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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