At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
