It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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