Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
